There are so many theories of marriage/family counseling…but how much of them are based on scientific research?
I just returned from a 2-day relationship counseling conference given by Drs. Julie and John Gottman. For those of you not familiar, John Gottman has been studying relationships scientifically for over 40 years. Dr. Gottman is unique in that he has degrees in mathematics as well as psychology according to his vita. This is probably why he tends to conceptualize relationship factors in terms of numbers and direct observation.
Prior to marrying Julie, John Gottman was a simply a researcher. He had not yet put his findings into action. As he puts it: “I used to just watch as relationships deteriorated. Then I met Julie and she wanted to actually help people.” (John Gottman, personal communication, June 7, 2013). Their relationship is a beautiful example of how synergy between two unique individuals with different agendas can produce a wonderful product. But, I digress.
John Gottman set up a series of labs, where he would put equipment on participants to measure heart rate, sweating, etc. He then would place the couple in a room and ask them to have a conversation, videotaping them and noticing their physiological reactions. Although other researchers have used biofeedback, there is one important factor that makes John Gottman’s research ground-breaking. That is, rather than assuming that he has all the answers, he studied the couples to find out what makes a great relationship, and what predicts divorce. In order to accomplish this, he studied hours and hours of videotapes and tracked couples over several years. The results of his research are synthesized into his “Sound Relationship House” theory and several books, including 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal.
A few interesting highlights from his research:
- Whether partners turn toward, or turn away from your partner is a large indicator of divorce. “Turning toward” is consistently verbally acknowledging your partner when they make a bid for your attention, rather than ignoring them. For example, while reading the Sunday paper one partner might say “Wow, did you see this headline?” Then, the other partner responds and shows interest. That couple will probably last. The other couple, the one who is ignored when he or she makes a comment, is likely headed for divorce.
- Knowing your partner’s internal world leads to greater intimacy, greater friendship and therefore a stronger relationship. Knowing all the little details about your partner, such as their best friends, favorite movies, most embarrassing moments, etc. builds trust. According to Gottman, trust building is the second phase of sucessful relationship building.
- Showing fondness and admiration to your partner is also an indicator of a strong relationship. Showing your appreciation, either verbally or through actions, is very important. This can be anything from talking positively about your partner in public, or telling them which character traits you admire about them.
In the next post, I will discuss what Gottman says about what not to do in relationships.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Barbara LoFrisco
