There are many topics clients are reluctant to address with their partners, but if you avoid them as well you are sending them the message that certain topics are OK to avoid. This is a very dangerous message.
Opportunities to build intimacy in a couple are lost when tough topics are avoided. If you are doing couples counseling, it is part of your job to help clients address the issues they cannot manage on their own, including difficult topics that they routinely avoid. According to Carlin Flora, when clients attempt to suppress an emotion or a thought, the emotion or thought tends to grow much larger. In this way, resentment toward the unsuspecting partner can increase. In addition, the suppression of anger or frustration can create anxiety, which is detrimental to both the individual and the couple.
The reasons couples avoid talking about tough topics? They worry about their partner’s reaction, whether it is simple disagreement or outright mockery. They worry about embarrassing themselves and being judged. In addition, holding their thoughts and/or emotions private can be a way to preserve their self-identity. The problem is when this is done excessively, and resentments start to build up against their partner.
It is the job of the therapist to provide a safe environment for discussing tough topics. It may be helpful to meet with each partner individually, so that the therapist can ascertain hidden resentments, as well as evaluate the other partner to ensure safety is maintained. For example, if the non-withholding partner is an unempathetic narcissist, then it would not be wise to encourage the withholding partner to make themselves even more vulnerable. Assuming it is safe, the therapist can teach good communication skills as well as keep both partners calm as they negotiate tough waters. The rule in my office is that there is no arguing (raised voices, etc.), clients can and already are doing this at home by themselves. The role of the therapist is to provide a different way of arguing/discussing.
More specifically, therapists can help clients discuss tough topics by teaching them to:
- use “I” statements
- listen to their partner, not just “wait to talk”
- stay on topic
- show the other partner empathy
- test the waters (i.e. ask for permission to bring up the topic)
- lighten up (i.e. show humor)
I have found that when I encourage clients to discuss such difficult topics as sex or money with their partners they generally feel a sense of relief. I have also found that when I have very frank one-on-one discussions with them about their own failings or worries, they generally feel relieved to talk about them openly and be accepted for who they really are instead of who they may be pretending to be. Demonstrating a safe holding space for clients in this way can introduce them to what it might feel like to be more open with their partner, which can serve to motivate them.
In summary, as a counselor, don’t be afraid to attack the tough topics. This is why clients are coming to see you.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
* Source: Just Say It, Psychology Today, October 2014 by Carlin Flora
