If you have a mixed-agenda couple, the best way to work with them is to provide Discernment Counseling.
Approximately 30% of couples seeking counseling have one partner “leaning out” of the relationship. Meaning, that partner thinks they may want to terminate the relationship. Usually, the other partner is “leaning in.” Meaning, they are motivated to fix the relationship. This is called a “mixed agenda couple.” Because of these competing agendas, Discernment Counseling is much more effective than regular couples counseling.
What is Discernment Counseling?
In Discernment Counseling, the focus is on helping each partner clarify their own feelings and thoughts about the relationship. Discernment Counseling helps to protect the leaning-in partner from more disappointment, while providing the leaning-out partner with a safe place to be honest about their feelings. As feelings and thoughts are clarified, a decision about the future of the relationship can be reached more easily. From there, the couple can be guided in separating amicably, or new goals for the relationship can be established, and traditional couples therapy can begin.
What can Discernment Counseling provide?
- Clarity about which direction to take for their relationship
- Confidence about their decision
- Understanding about what went wrong in the relationship and how it could get better, including each person’s role in how the relationship deteriorated (sets the stage for effective couples counseling)
What is the format?
- It is short in duration (between one and five sessions)
- Most of the intense work is done in individual sessions
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Each session will have the following format:
First, you meet with both partners together to discuss the frame of mind of each partner
Then, you meet individually with each partner with a brief summary at the end for the other partner
Finally, you meet with both partners for a final summary, and decide whether to meet again
How do I do it?
The Doherty Relationship Institute provides training in Discernment Counseling. If you are not trained, then you should refer your couple to a counselor who is. If the outcome of that process is a decision to work on the relationship, then that counselor can refer back to you.
For more information, read this article.
I have been doing Discernment Counseling for the past few years, and I can tell you from personal experience that it is important, satisfying work. I have been much less frustrated with my mixed-agenda couples!
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
