What should you do if a client starts talking about sex? This is the first of a series of posts that was written for counselors who haven’t been trained in sex therapy, and as such may lack confidence in knowing how to discuss sexual issues with clients. However, as always, safety first! So, in this post I will cover establishing appropriate boundaries with clients.
The first thing you need to decide is whether or not the client is being inappropriate. Although clients often have legitimate sexual issues, every once in a while you’ll get a client that gets a thrill out of talking about sexual topics with you.
In general, if you cannot figure out why your client is discussing something sexual, then it’s probably inappropriate. You should not be discussing a client’s sexuality unless it fits within the frame of their clinical issue(s), which are discussed during a therapy session. So, for example, if a client calls because they are “interested in making an appointment,” however they immediately start describing their sexual fantasies, then they are being inappropriate. At this point you should firmly, but kindly, tell them that those sorts of conversations need to happen within a clinical discussion of their issues, and do they have any other questions about your services? This is important. If you do not establish boundaries at the very beginning of the relationship, it will be much harder for you to do so later on.
And don’t get caught in the “normal” trap. Often, clients will ignore your boundaries under the guise of asking: “is this normal?” Again, use the test: does this fit within the frame of their clinical issues? For example, if they are sexually inexperienced, they may legitimately need some sex education. Even then, that education can be done in more clinical and general terms. Do not get caught up in minutia like detailed descriptions of sexual fantasies or positions.
Use yourself as your guide. If you feel uncomfortable, then the client is probably being inappropriate. HOWEVER (yes, I meant to put that in caps), if you carry any sort of sexual shame or embarrassment, then you cannot use yourself as a barometer. What you need instead is to obtain counseling from a therapist experienced in sexual issues so that you can work through your discomfort. Sexuality is a topic far too important for overreaction or avoidance.
And watch how you dress. Do not give clients mixed signals by wearing tight or low-cut clothing. I’m not saying to dress like you just walked off the set of Little House on the Prairie, but use some common sense. Remember, you want to be respected for your talents as a counselor, not your great body. It’s always appropriate to be professional.
In my next post, I will discuss how to decide which sexual issues to treat, and which to refer out.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
