Ever wonder what to do when clients ask personal questions? If so, then this post is for you.
Over the years psychotherapy has become much more consumer-friendly. Thinking back to the days of Freud, when psychotherapy consisted of a nameless, faceless counselor seated behind you who interpreted what you were saying but offered no human connection, it is amazing how far we have come.
The good news is that now we know how important the therapeutic relationship is to outcome. The bad news is that along with this increasing therapeutic familiarity comes more boundary crossings. It is not unusual for clients to ask their therapists personal questions, such as, “are you married?”; “do you have kids?”; and, perhaps the most problematic, “how old are you?”. (It is interesting to note that these same clients would never dream of asking their physician such invasive questions.)
So, what should you do? Well, that depends on the client, the therapeutic relationship, ethics, and, perhaps most importantly, the meaning behind the question:
- The client. Some clients will respect your boundaries, and others will constantly test them. The degree to which the client in question consistently places their own emotional needs above your comfort level will help determine how, or if, you answer personal questions. For clients who are constant boundary-pushers, it may be prudent, particularly in the beginning of the relationship, to draw firm boundaries. This sends the message to the client that such questions are inappropriate. It also serves to add structure, and therefore, safety to the therapeutic relationship.
- The therapeutic relationship. The degree to which the therapeutic alliance has been established is also a factor. What may be perceived as a boundary crossing in the early stages of the relationship could be viewed as useful self-disclosure once a good therapeutic alliance has been established. The differences in these perceptions are relevant both for the counselor and the client. For the counselor, avoiding disclosure when there is discomfort helps prevent burnout. For the client, too much sharing too early (despite the fact that they have asked for it) of the counselor’s personal information may create the perception of a personal relationship, undermining the necessary professional relationship. For more information on the skill of self-disclosure, please see The Skill of Self-Disclosure: What You Need To Know, as well as When Self-Disclosure Goes Wrong.
- Ethics. There are two main concerns here:
- Excessive self-disclosure can pull focus from the clients’ issue. Every word out of our mouth should be centered on helping the client with their issue(s).
- The perception of a personal relationship created by over-sharing means we now have a dual relationship with the client, which is prohibited.
- The meaning behind the question. When clients ask personal questions, it may be useful to understand why they are asking the question. Usually it is because they are trying to determine if you have the life experience required to address their issue. If it is a lack of experience they are concerned about, then you have the opportunity to address that by educating the client on your qualifications, including but not limited to the rigorous training and testing required by your state. If they are asking for reasons not related to your ability to help them, then it should be obvious that a discussion about professional boundaries is in order. Particularly, that your role is a counselor, not a friend, and you can better serve them by maintaining that professional boundary. After all, if all they needed was advice from a friend, they would not be in your office.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
