Struggling to help one of your couples? Seems like whatever you do it isn’t enough? You may have a mixed-agenda couple.
When I first started practicing, I struggled with a certain percentage of my couples. At first I thought it was me: having an off day, lack of experience, etc. But as time went on I began to believe it had to be the couple. I was noticing that one of the partners seemed very disengaged, and more angry than usual. I just couldn’t reach them no matter how hard I tried.
I then ran across this technique called “Discernment Counseling.” I had a major “aha” moment. The reason counseling wasn’t working was because I was doing the wrong type of counseling! I was trying to do traditional couples counseling on a mixed-agenda couple.
Of course this had not occurred to me earlier, because no professor in graduate school mentioned ever anything about these types of couples. Other than to say not to work with volatile couples because I might inadvertently say something that makes them divorce. Although this could be true, it wasn’t helpful advice. So, in this post I am telling you what I wish someone had told me when I was a novice counselor.
In mixed-agenda couples, one partner (or sometimes both, to some degree) is considering leaving the relationship. They have become so discouraged and emotionally exhausted that part of them thinks leaving is the only solution. Although they will attend couples therapy, physically, their heart really isn’t fully in it. But they usually won’t come right out and say it. You will hear statements like:
“I just want to give this one more try.”
“I’m willing to work on things, but _____ ” (fill in the blank with just about anything)
“I really love xxx, but _____ ” (again, fill in the blank)
“I just want to see if we can make things better.”
As you can see, these statements are pretty subtle. However, if you are seeing them individually, they will be more candid. Of course, you’d have to do a more thorough evaluation on the couple before you determined they were mixed-agenda. You can do this using the excellent attending skills you have already learned. Remember, it’s never up to you to advise them on which path to take. Rather, your role is to help them explore their own feelings and thoughts.
If you do have a mixed-agenda couple, then traditional couples counseling won’t work. In fact it could be harmful for the following reasons:
- The leaning-out (less committed) partner gets frustrated because they don’t feel their concerns are getting addressed.
- The leaning-in (more committed) partner becomes demoralized because they don’t see their partner trying to make changes.
- As a result, the leaning-out partner becomes more and more disengaged from the process.
- The more disengaged the leaning-out partner becomes, the more demoralized the leaning-in partner also becomes.
- Now we have a situation where both can simply give up, when in reality perhaps there was a chance to fix the relationship.
So, what to do? In my next post, I will describe Discernment Counseling.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
