What should you do when couples fight in your office?
I have been seeing couples in my practice since 2008. Sometimes they are so angry at each other that they cannot remain calm in the therapy room. If clients are too upset, therapy won’t be productive because they won’t be able to think rationally. Plus it will give you a headache.
I don’t allow clients to argue. Period. If they start, I tell them that they have done enough of that at home, and in this room we are going to do things differently. I’ve never had one client ask me, “Please, can you just allow us to pay you money so we can continue to argue?”
This means interrupting them firmly but gently, and often. Sometimes I have to raise my voice, but I never yell. If they are not looking at me, I will move my hands in a “T” position for timeout. It may sound silly, but that usually breaks the tension enough for me to get a few sentences in.
If that doesn’t work, then I will position their chairs so they are facing away from each other. Often, looking at the other partner is a trigger. I will then facilitate them taking turns talking to each other. This usually works to calm them down.
If it doesn’t work, I speak to them separately. I have already explained my secrets policy to them, so that is not an issue. First, I send whichever partner is least upset out into the waiting room. If they want to go for a walk to calm down, I tell them to come back within about 10 minutes. Then, I work with the most upset spouse using a calm voice and empathy until they seem calm enough to have a normal conversation. Then they switch places, and I work on calming the other spouse down. Here’s where good soundproofing is key. If I can get them to laugh, then I can get them calm faster. However, sounds of laugher emanating from the counseling room tends to make the angry spouse in the waiting room more angry.
If this doesn’t work, and we’ve gone a few sessions without them being able to use the tools I have given them (i.e. Fighting Rules, Timeout, etc.) then I explain to them that at this point couples therapy is not the best mode. If one of them is considering divorce, I offer a service called Discernment Counseling, where I work with the partners mostly individually to decide the fate of their relationship. If both of them are committed to the relationship, then I offer to work with them both individually on either anger management or coping skills (or whatever else is appropriate) until they can manage to use the tools. At that point we can return to couples therapy.
Use your gut. If you feel uncomfortable when people argue in your office, then stop them. It’s not good for them, and it’s not good for you.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
