Working with couples can be very interesting, exciting and rewarding! But couples often present additional challenges to therapists. In this series of posts, I will provide tips on maintaining neutrality.
Many therapists don’t want to do couples therapy. Put two angry and upset people in a room together, having to admit their marriage is in so much trouble that they must talk to a stranger, and then add one mistake from you and…well, you get the picture.
A major mistake couples therapists sometimes make is siding with one partner over the other. If you’ve had any training in a marriage and family therapy graduate program, you know that you can’t take sides. Still, some counselors do. Why? Because working with couples in distress can bring up so many of our own issues that we may not be aware of our bias. Below, I’ve listed common problematic scenarios along with suggestions.
Scenario: Let’s say the wife calls you to set up a counseling appointment. She says, “I just want to tell you a little bit about what is going on so that I can determine if you are the right counselor for me.” Most of us would allow her to give us some details about her situation, including showing her appropriate empathy. (What therapist wouldn’t want to provide an empathetic ear to an upset person?) However, unless you plan to call the spouse and give him an identical amount of time on the phone (this could be problematic for a few reasons) you are no longer neutral. The spouse already has one strike against him and he hasn’t even met you yet!
Suggestion: Explain to the wife (or whomever has called you) that you cannot get into the details about their situation because it will affect your neutrality, since their partner isn’t there to tell his or her side. Plus she isn’t a client yet, so how could you take appropriate action on any clinical information she may reveal since she hasn’t signed an informed consent document yet?
Scenario: The wife or husband has arrived on time, but the spouse is stuck in traffic. Since the therapy hour begins at appointment time and not arrival time (because you have good boundaries) the wife or husband wants to start the therapy session without the spouse. Then the spouse rushes in 10 minutes later to join the session. Again, the spouse is already at a disadvantage and therapy hasn’t even begun.
Suggestion: Explain to the wife or husband that you cannot start a joint session unless both parties are present. Alternatively (if okay with both partners) you can split the first part of the session to make sure each get equal time. This isn’t ideal, but it is better than having the spouse walk in after you’ve been discussing marital issues with their partner.
Scenario: The husband started out as an individual client, and after 3 or 4 sessions you decide he and his wife need some couples therapy. So you invite the wife to join the next session. By now, you should realize what the issue is. It’s like the previous two examples, but much, much worse since at this point you have established an alliance with the husband, and are likely to be biased towards him.
Suggestion: Do at least one individual session with the wife before doing the joint session. This way, you will have had an opportunity to build an alliance with the wife, and therefore your couples therapy will be more balanced.
In the next post, I will offer more suggestions on maintaining neutrality.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
