In this post, I will continue my suggestions for maintaining neutrality in the couples’ therapy room.
In the last post, I discussed best-practice procedures for maintaining neutrality. But, what if you’ve done all of that and you are still having negative feelings towards one of the partners?
Self-awareness is key here. We must understand what signs we can recognize in ourselves that indicate negative feelings towards a client. Let me just say that we might be entirely justified! But that isn’t the issue. Being “right” here is not helpful. Of course we need to educate clients about healthy behaviors, and suggest that they make changes to improve their relationship. But when we start judging them because of their behavior we have stepped over the line.
So, if you find yourself thinking, “I just don’t LIKE him!” it’s time to check yourself. What kind of feelings is this client bringing up for you? At what other times in your life have you felt a similar way? Perhaps you have some unresolved issues and would benefit from seeing a counselor yourself.
But regardless of the origin of your feelings, you must find a way to put them aside so you can provide effective therapy. Find something you like about the person, even if it’s something small. Perhaps you can focus on how much they care about the relationship, or how hard they work to be a good provider. Something! Thinking in terms of empathy can help. Try to imagine how scared or upset they are feeling, and you may even start to like them. But not too much- remember you must stay balanced. Whether positive or negative, if you feelings are approximately equal toward both partners then you are likely to be neutral.
Here’s where supervision or a peer group can be helpful. As you discuss your case, your peers or supervisor can provide an objective mirror that will help you see when you are experiencing negative feelings that could cause bias.
But what if we don’t realize we have negative feelings? One indicator of bias is judgement. It could be an unfair or inaccurate label, or a label when one was not needed, or merely a judgmental statement about what is “right.” If we catch ourselves doing these things, then we know we risk introducing bias, and it’s time to take corrective action: increasing empathy, seeking supervision, etc.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
