If you are working with high-functioning, successful clients, chances are you will be working with someone with narcissistic habits.
According to Susan Heitler, PhD, in addition to highly successful people, tall men and beautiful women tend to have narcissistic habits. More specifically, if you are the tallest boy on the playground, you will tend to get your way because other, smaller boys, are intimidated by your physical presence. If this happens enough times, you will begin to believe that you are more powerful and more important than your peers. In addition, if you have narcissistic parents you will also tend to be narcissistic. Because you grew up understanding that those higher up on the power hierarchy (i.e. parents) are more important and everything is always about them, when you enter the same role (i.e. a parent yourself) then it’s finally your turn! Everything is now about you and those lower on the power hierarchy are simply less important than you are. This is why narcissism is often transmitted generationally. However, if you run across someone that is higher up, i.e. a boss, then you also understand that it’s no longer all about you. This is why you will see the behavior of narcissists change depending on who they are interacting with.
The core issue with a narcissist is their listening deficits. Because narcissists think that their own thoughts and opinions are so much more important than anyone else’s, they will generally have listening deficits. They are capable of hearing the words, but they cannot or will not digest the content. Behaviors can range from outright contempt or sarcasm, to the more subtle waving of the hand, as if they are swatting away your inferior thoughts.
Narcissism is often misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder for women, and abusiveness for men. This is mainly due to the propensity of anger in the narcissistic individual, particularly how quickly they get angry. Angry people only think their own needs are important; an angry person is not an empathetic one.
If I am narcissistic:
- I know best.
- I can criticize you, but you can’t criticize me.
- I’m above the rules and other people.
- Your feelings are not OK.
- I crave admiration.
According to Dr. Heitler, other features of narcissists include: being manipulative, dishonest, cruel, hyper-aware of clothing; having charisma, emotional volatility, and paranoid tendencies.
Individual vs. Couples Therapy
Dr. Heitler also states that individual therapy is rarely effective, but couples therapy is. With individual therapy, you only have the word of the narcissist. Since the narcissist believes there is nothing wrong with them, and they are always right, it should be clear why individual therapy is rarely useful. On the other hand, with couples therapy you now have the partner as a reality check. In my own practice, I cannot tell you the number of times I have had a person with narcissistic habits give me one story, only to have the partner almost completely contradict them, with the narcissist sheepishly agreeing. The other reason couples therapy is great for narcissists, according to Dr. Heitler, is the opportunity to change both partners. More specifically, you can encourage the non-narcissstic partner to stop being a doormat.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Dr. Barbara LoFrisco
*From Dr. Susan Heitler, Good Therapy webinar, September 19, 2014