In my last post, I described ground-breaking research by John Gottman, and how his wife, Julie, has helped him apply it to clinical practice. In this post, I will describe his findings on the four major ways people can mess up their relationships, and what the antidotes are.
After studying couples longitudinally, John Gottman has some data on what predicts divorce. More specifically, he has identified four main things troubled couples do. For each, he has an antidote. He calls the the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and they are as follows:
- Criticism. Troubled couples attack and blame. They put down the other partner as a means of feeling superior, or as an attempt to hurt them. Or perhaps they are even unaware that they are doing this. The problem with criticism is that it usually results in another one of the Horsemen, Defensiveness, which will be explained a bit later on. So, what to do? We cannot completely avoid criticism, as it is necessary from time to time to give our partner feedback about things they are doing that are undesireable. If we don’t communicate these feelings to our partner, they are likely to continue doing the behavior and then we start to become resentful. Further, uncommunicated feelings can be missed opportunities for intimacy. The antidote? Use “I language” instead of “you language.” Take responsibility for your own feelings and explain to your partner that your misery isn’t their fault, but that you are requesting that they change some things to help you out. Also, stating the requested behavior change in positive, rather than negative terms, will help.
- Defensiveness. Troubled couples refuse to take personal responsibility for any part of their problems. Instead, they attack and blame. (This is very similar to Criticism). The antidote? Take personal responsibility. For example, “Yes, I realize I can get angry sometimes. I will try to calm down before talking to you.”
- Contempt. This is where partners openly mock each other. This can include sarcasm, eye rolling, etc. It is important to note, however, that some couples are OK with some of this behavior. Although the Gottmans may disagree with me, if the couples don’t interpret certain behaviors as contemptuous, then it shouldn’t be considered an act of contempt. The antidote? Speak respectfully to your partner. Be specific and gentle when describing undesirable behavior. For example, instead of “You can’t do anything right,” say: “It really bothers me when you let the clothes sit in the dryer for days.”
- Stonewalling. This is when partners stop responding to each other. Not only do they stop communicating verbally, but they will often turn away physically. As a result, the other partner feels ignored and invalidated. Clearly this is not the way to build intimacy. Interestingly, it is mostly men that do this because they become “flooded” (physiologically aroused to the point that they cannot think). The antidote? Self-soothing. If a partner’s heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, or that partner feels too upset or angry to continue the conversation calmly, then take a break. The upset partner should do something soothing and relaxing until he or she is calm. Then the conversation can be continued.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Barbara LoFrisco
