As a sex therapist and Human Sexuality educator, I feel very strongly about intimacy. This post describes the steps to building emotional intimacy, which is usually a precursor to sexual intimacy. When working with clients, it is paramount that we teach them healthy ways of building intimacy.
Many researchers have determined that there are five stages to building intimacy; also known as the ABC(DE) model. A is for “attraction,” B is for “building,” C is for “continuation,” D is for “deterioration,” and E is for “ending.” Although many relationships will deteriorate and end, many do not, and so these stages D and E are optional.
Attraction
Yes, looks are important. Whereas you cannot build an entire relationship based on looks alone, it is that initial attraction that opens the door. When thought about this from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense. Survival of the species demands that we reproduce. Successful reproduction requires healthy and fertile bodies. How can we tell a person is healthy and fertile? We look for things like the waist/hip ratio on women, and clear skin and healthy weight for both sexes. But it is important to remember that this is just the first step.
Building
Now that we have identified a potential partner, it’s time to start to get to know them. This is done via the art of small talk. Rather than thinking of small talk as phony or superficial, think of it as a next step in building intimacy. What do you think would happen if you suddenly walked up to someone and began telling them about your traumatic childhood? I’m thinking you aren’t going to get a lot of dates. By asking about general interests, commenting on current events or your surroundings, you can begin to search for common interests and values.
Continuation
If you’ve made it this far, then you know that you are attracted to the person, and you at least have some things in common with them. It’s time to take the intimacy to the next level by beginning to be more vulnerable. This is the time to begin to reveal more of yourself. However, it is wise to be cautious. In healthy relationship building, there is mutuality in sharing. Therefore, if one partner is the one who is opening up, and the other isn’t sharing any personal information, then there is an imbalance. In order to build trust, both partners must self-disclose in approximately equal amounts.
Deterioration
Some relationships are not meant to last. Sometimes, a person can meet a need in us, or we can meet it in them, for a short period of time. You’ll know a relationship is deteriorating when it isn’t as rewarding as it once was. Sometimes, there are things partners can do to save the relationship, but sometimes nothing will help. It may simply be that the partners have grown in different directions.
Ending
At this point, one or both partners have decided that they are happier apart rather than together. Usually, one partner is more invested in the relationship than the other. Things can take an unhealthy turn if the more committed partner is anxious or is jealous. But when both parties act in a mature manner, and discuss and agree that they are simply incompatible, or that the timing is bad, things can go smoothly.
Yours in the Joy of Knowledge,
Barbara LoFrisco
Source: Human Sexuality in a World of Diversity by Spencer A. Rathus, Jeffrey S. Nevid, and Lois Fichner-Rathus.
